You think you’re doing fine. As fine as can be expected, at least. You’re used to it. Used to their absence. It’s not easy, it’s not ok, but you’re used to it. Just moving forward… marching on.
And then something happens. Who knows what it is? Something you would have asked their advice on, maybe. Something you would have gotten excited about together. Something that just hits you in the exact right spot that it sends you reeling back into the raw open weeping searing pain of the first few days… weeks.. months.
That happened to me this week. Something happened at work. Some things, really. And I would have asked his advice. I would have shared my success with him. I would have talked to him to re-center and get grounded.
And I couldn’t. Can’t. And so now it feels like I just lost him yesterday, even though as of yesterday, it had been six months since I’d seen him in person.
Last night I was mad. Mad at the world, mad at him. Mad at myself. Mad. And so for the first time, I didn’t tell him I missed him before bed. I don’t know why I started doing that…. I don’t really believe he’s out there to hear it. But I did, and have. Consistently. But last night I felt spiteful and didn’t want to. So I didn’t.
Unrelated to that (maybe not, actually. I don’t know), I didn’t sleep much at all. Couldn’t, then some stuff happened and woke me up more… then couldn’t again. Still. Whatever. I’m sure that’s not helping me keep it together today. Being really low on sleep tends to make me far less able to deal with anything.
So, today sucks. I miss him. I NEED him… and he’s gone.
Can’t we remove these emotion chips yet?
Written 8/15/2014
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