Emotions are both predictable and confusing.

I’ve been incredibly stressed the last couple weeks, due to events and work and various things. And last night, I stayed up until almost 3am working on my Halloween costume, so when my cat peed on my rug and I discovered it right before that 3am bed time, it’s predictable that I cried and felt horrible.

And it’s predictable that today, I’ve been both a little numb and a little mood-swingy.

What’s confusing is that I’m talking to an old friend. And talking to him has made me reflect on the beginning of my relationship with Ian… And made me miss him excruciatingly tonight. When I should be asleep.

Why does talking to this friend make me miss Ian? It makes pretty much no sense. I knew him long before I knew Ian. But here I am. Not sleeping, and looking up journal entries from the beginning. The first month or two of texts.

It was so promising. So good. So completely complicated and weird already…. So us.

And now I’m alone. And I miss him so goddamned much. And I’m beyond exhausted right now, but can’t sleep. So I’m all over the emotional map. And all I want is to cry on his shoulder and cuddle with him. For him to hold me.

Every once in a while all the defenses disappear, and I feel how much this sucks. How unfair it is. How incredibly painful. Apparently, it took a night of 4 hours of sleep to get there this time.

I just…. Wish

Written 10/29/2014

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