We all hide behind masks. Some better and more than others. Ian was a master of hiding behind a mask.
When I first met him, in 2004, the mask he wore was one of the dudebro, concerned with toilet humor and sports, and nothing else. I met him as part of a big group of people, who, shortly after our initial meeting, decided that my boyfriend of the time was a jerk, and stopped associating with us. Ian seemed peripheral to that, but I also didn’t have (take?) the time to get to know him beyond the toilet humor and sports. So he fell away along with the rest of that group.
Through mutual friends, we re-met in late 2010, and at that point, I got a chance to see behind the mask, surprisingly quickly getting to know him as he really was. At that point in time, his defenses seemed to be down, at least to me. Maybe it was just the right time, and I was the right person. I don’t know. But even then, I kind of kicked myself for not getting to know him sooner, because he was so amazing.
And even then, I realized that he kept the mask up with other people. I was continually shocked to find out that other people saw him as the funny guy who didn’t care about anything more important than playing and laughing and drinking. He cultivated the persona of jovial fuck-up, and he did it well.
When he died, people were shocked. I doubt there were many who weren’t completely taken by surprise that he had been suffering, and that suicide was something he’d not only been considering for a long time, but had attempted more than once in the past.
I knew more than most that he’d been stressed. That he’d been having trouble. But even I was surprised, because while I knew he’d been in a slightly messy situation, it was temporary, and everything I could see – everything he showed me – was that things were looking up. He was making plans with me. Even after he knew he’d be killing himself. He didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want anyone to know.
The masks we wear are safe. They keep us from being hurt by people. They keep us from being disappointed. But we can hang on to them too tightly. We can trust them to keep us safe so entirely that we find ourselves completely alone behind them. And sometimes, being alone back there is dangerous.
Ian’s mask hid a deadly disease. What is mine hiding? Who is your Stranger?
Written 8/12/2014
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