Wavering

Last night, on my way to karaoke, I drove the way I tend to drive to work; the way that takes me past the turnoff to Ian’s house. The way I would have driven were I going to pick him up to take him to karaoke (minus actually turning off and going to his house, of course). Since I drive that way most mornings, I didn’t think anything of it when I opted to go that way. But as I approached the road I would have turned on, I thought about doing so, about going to his house and bugging him to come out and sing.

Today I had to clean out my work email due to lack of storage space. In doing so, I went back into the archives, and had to delete some things. Before I did, I read through a number of old emails between him and me, wanting to make sure I didn’t delete anything that I’d regret. I ended up just not deleting anything in that grouping, because it was taking too long.

Lately, I’ve been able to avoid feeling about his death. I’ve been able to just ignore emotion and go through life. I still think about him, I just don’t let myself feel it that much. Today, and last night, my ability to do that is wavering. I miss him and I hurt and I want to go back in time. Every once in a while, it will strike me again, and feels like a surprise each time, that hey, my soulmateĀ is dead. I really want that to stop.

Yeah. Today is hard.

Written 3/19/15

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