Yesterday, one of my (and Ian’s) good friends had brain surgery. I spent the day at the hospital with his wife, who apologized to me for not being around more since Ian’s death. In talking to her about it, (she was actually just fine, but I understand feeling like you haven’t done enough. I feel that way ALL THE TIME.) I realized that some time in the last week or so, something flipped. As of yesterday, it’s been 8 months since I spent an appreciable amount of time with Ian. (Work time doesn’t count.)
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to describe this adequately, but bear with me while I try.
I’m still sad. I’m still hurt. I’m still really really damaged, and going to have a hell of a time trusting anyone ever again… but I’m fine. I’m not ok, but I’m fine.
I still cry when a song strikes me the right (wrong?) way. Today it was a song we sang together, not very often, but it was one we sang when we were both feeling good. Some other days, it’s a song we never sang together, but that I associate with him. And so on. I still wish I could talk to him on a daily basis. I’m still sad.
But, some time recently, my base emotion has moved from devastated/depressed/unhappy up to neutral/calm. Maybe it’s just an effect of time. Maybe there’s something going on in my subconscious that’s causing this change. Maybe it’s a temporary up-swing due to fall and my favorite holiday coming up. I don’t know. But it gives me a modicum of hope that I may eventually actually be ok. Rather than merely fine.
Written 9/9/2014
551 total views, 1 views today
