I was talking to a friend of mine about how confused I am over my emotional state, relationships, what I want, what I’m ready for, what I DON’T want. She asked me if I’d talked to my therapist about that at all.
Cue the forehead smack. Because, no. I haven’t talked to my therapist for a long time. The last time we talked, he said it seemed like I was doing (relatively) well, and he trusted that I’d come back and see him if/when I got to a place where I needed some more help/guidance. And he was right. At that point, I was where I was, and there was nothing he could do or say to help me see that space any clearer.
I guess I kind of expected to be in that space a little longer. (It’s been almost 6 months since then) But here I am – second-guessing myself, questioning where I am, not freaking out, but kind of freaking out about relationships or what I’m emotionally ready for.
It’s a little disheartening to me that even I, who am a HUGE proponent of therapy, who believe that EVERYONE should go see a therapist at some point in their life, often, regularly, whenever anything big happens. Even I don’t go to that solution easily. Even I sit and freak out and ponder, and wait, hoping it will get less confusing. Even I don’t even THINK about it as an option, until a friend asks.
And to be completely honest here, when she asked, I balked. “Oh, it’s not THAT big a deal. I’ll figure it out. I don’t want to.”
Seriously?
Whether I talk to him about specific situations (which maybe I’m worried that I won’t like his take on), or not (which is totally an option), he can be incredibly helpful. Again and again, I’ve worked through things with him, and he’s pushed me to figure shit out, in the perfect way for me.
So again, I say, Seriously?
Yes, I made an appointment. Yes, I’m going to go talk to him to have him push me toward figuring out where I am again. Because this suicide grief thing, it doesn’t have a map. It doesn’t have a nice little “You are here” sticker. Honestly, LIFE doesn’t have that.
So, once again, here’s my plug: Therapy is GOOD. Therapy can help you when you’re feeling adrift, not knowing what you want, or where you’re going, or what you’re doing. Therapists are trained to poke and prod and push you toward figuring out yourself.
Yes, it might take a little time to find one who works with you. Just like relationships, friendships, whatever, you have to fit together. Some therapists won’t have the style or personalities that work for you. I know I’ve been through many prior to finding my guy. In that process, I discovered that I don’t trust women as much, so can’t open up to them in that setting. Who’da thunk? But it’s a discovery process. You have to interview them, and they you. If one doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t mean none will. It just means that one didn’t.
Thank college for my awesome friends who help remind me of these things. Thanks to THEM for being able to suggest it. Thank them for not succumbing to the prevalent culture of “therapy is weak, mmmkay?” It’s not weak. It’s SMART.
These are the benefits of having good friends. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Likely in a loony bin somewhere.
Written 4/8/2015
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