This last week was a weird one. I got a little cold, but then for a couple days I just wasn’t able to sleep. Seriously, maybe an hour or two each night. In the third night, I started getting really frustrated, then I started wondering why. And as I was lying there, I realized that I was super tense. My shoulders were taut, as if I was scared of something. And as I pondered why I would be so tense. It came to me that I’ve been trying to ignore my grief. I’ve been trying to push it down and just be done with it.
I think this follows from feeling like I shouldn’t be outwardly sad anymore. I should be doing things, I should be happy. I should be moving forward… over it… Which is pure shit. I’m not going to be over it for a long while yet, and trying to pretend (even to myself) that I am is stupid.
At that point. I let the tension go, and I sobbed. All the past week or however long I’d been suppressing my grief came out, and I cried. Probably 10 minutes straight of wracking sobs. Ten minutes doesn’t sound like much. But try it. Try doing anything that intense for ten minutes, and after about 2, you’ll wonder what more could possibly come out. I did. But it kept coming.
And then I slept.
It just goes to show, we can’t hide things from ourselves very successfully for very long. Other people, sure. Ourselves? Not so much. It leads to random outbreaks of laughing or crying or yelling, or whatever else have you.
I swear my cat thinks I’m a nutter.
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today was the first time in four years i actually expressed to others the loss i felt for another…. four many years i had to be the “strong one”
That’s rough. I’m glad you were finally able to express it.