I wasn’t able to write yesterday for a couple different reasons. An acquaintance of mine was raped on Friday night, and I was spending some time with her, as well as processing some stuff. I’ve been fighting with myself about writing this post, because I feel like I’m taking this terrible experience she had, and […]

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Let It Go

I’m trying something for the new year. I don’t exactly know if it’s a healthy progression or an unhealthy repression, but I’m trying it nonetheless. This is a year that will never see Ian. It’s a year that he’s fully gone from, and I have decided to attempt to make him a little less present […]

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New Year

It’s 2015. A new year. The crappy year that Ian died is gone. Good riddance. Except that now it’s a year he won’t ever see. And that sucks. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My New Year’s greeting for all my loved ones this year wasn’t “Happy New Year!” Because I didn’t feel particularly happy. […]

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Another Throw Back Thursday Post: Being on vacation, outside of my life has been good for me. I still miss Ian every day, but the constant reminders aren’t here. I’m seeing people he didn’t know very well if at all. I’m going places we never went, or really even talked about. I miss my home, […]

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It’s December. December has always been my favorite month, for many reasons. From 12/1 through 12/31, I was always happier in general. 12/1 was always a YAY day. Yesterday, when I realized it was 12/1, I looked for that yay feeling. I didn’t find it. That isn’t to say I’m as low as I have […]

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Sunday Letter #28

Ian, This week has been a rough one. I’m not sure why, but it’s been hard. I talked for a long time with a co-worker from out of town who also had her best friend die. It wasn’t suicide, and she got a chance to say goodbye. She got to hold his hand as he […]

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Left Behind

I am honestly to a place where I feel like most of the days are okay. Some are even good. It feels like a betrayal to say that. Like I’m forgetting him. Or even that I’m leaving him behind. But then I wonder was it him that left us behind? Who knows? Maybe he hoped […]

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Sad Day

Here’s another Throw Back Thursday post: The moods have moved from alternating every hour or two (or less) to being pretty much day long. Today was a sad day; a day where the hole in my heart was aching. I didn’t cry that much, a little here or there when it overtook me, but I […]

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Sunday Letter #24

Ian, I’m lying awake, late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, when we would almost certainly be together. I just realized the date, and it was 8 months and a day ago RIGHT NOW that you were finishing things up. You were preparing. You were getting yourself ready to die. Man, do I wish I knew what […]

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Emotional Spoons

There is a really insightful way that I’ve heard my friends with chronic illnesses and/or disabilities describe what their limits feel like. The Spoon Theory is eloquent and wonderful. Luckily for me, I ┬ádon’t have physical illnesses, I don’t have a chronic condition that limits me physically. However, and this is not the same, but […]

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