Bargaining

Another throw back Thursday post: It’s been a month. Another of the stages of grief hit home kind of hard today.  I don’t want this. How can I give it back? What can I do to make it not real? Answers: I can’t, and Nothing. It’s so hard to accept that. It shouldn’t be, but […]

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New Hobbies

One of the things I’ve seen suggested for people who are grieving the death of someone close to them is to take up a new hobby. One that their loved one wasn’t involved in, so it wouldn’t be something they associate with them. Since Ian’s death, I’ve stopped pretty much every hobby or pass-time I […]

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Good Night

Another throw-back Thursday post. I feel guilty having a good night. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.  It was good to have people at my house, doing things that have nothing to do with real life… Watching a show that takes me away. Talking to people who care and are understanding. I almost even […]

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Regression

There are days when I’m ok. I’ve been hungry like a normal person, eating regularly… For a good couple weeks steady. And then today, everything hit home again some. There are other things going on in my life.. My grandma is having health issues, and I fear the worst. Maybe just because I’m low on […]

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The Day The World Ended

I’ve noticed in the various support forums I’ve seen around for friends/family of suicide victims that a large number of the people there speak of the day their loved one died as the day their world ended, or something of that sort. I don’t know if that’s something that’s unique to unexpected or traumatic death, […]

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Sunday Letter #12

Ian, Today, I broke out your grill. It’s the first time I’ve actually grilled on my own. I was really hesitant to do it, because I thought it would be kind of a pain in the butt. But now, having done it, it’s almost easier than cooking normally. I have a feeling I’ll be doing […]

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Action/Inaction

They say don’t make any major decisions for a while after a tragedy that affects you deeply. I can see the sense in that. I think if it weren’t for my cat needing me here, I may have made some very stupid decisions lately. At what point, though, is it better to act than not? […]

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Emotional Instability

Another throw back Thursday post: It’s been two weeks. I wish I could hope that it was all a nightmare and I could wake up. I can’t. Yesterday, it hit home to me how emotionally unstable I am. I’m very much not a physical violence person, but when a lady in an SUV honked at […]

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Close to the Surface

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in an email group for friends and families of suicide. It’s been very helpful to be part of the group, as there are people in all stages of loss, and it’s good to see that we’ve all got similarities in what we’re experiencing, and it’s good to see how things […]

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Lovely Mind

It’s been 102 days since Ian died. I’m usually ok now, especially at work. I’m getting to where I can concentrate for most the day, stay on task, all that. But sometimes? Sometimes not so much. I was in a meeting today with the people he worked most closely with. We were having a generally […]

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