Cleaning Up

Since Ian died, my house became kind of a shrine to him, or a repository for stuff of his… in disorganized piles, things here, there, everywhere that were his, or reminded me of him… It was a mess. Add to that the fact that I didn’t really have enough counter/shelf space in my kitchen, and […]

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Sunday Letter #28

Ian, This week has been a rough one. I’m not sure why, but it’s been hard. I talked for a long time with a co-worker from out of town who also had her best friend die. It wasn’t suicide, and she got a chance to say goodbye. She got to hold his hand as he […]

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His No More

Yesterday after work, I visited Ian’s house for the last time. I didn’t go in. Even if I’d been able to, I wouldn’t have. It doesn’t smell like him anymore. Doesn’t look like his place anymore. I did sit out front for a while, looking in the window, and remembering the myriad times I’d drive […]

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Emotional Spoons

There is a really insightful way that I’ve heard my friends with chronic illnesses and/or disabilities describe what their limits feel like. The Spoon Theory is eloquent and wonderful. Luckily for me, I  don’t have physical illnesses, I don’t have a chronic condition that limits me physically. However, and this is not the same, but […]

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What Hits

I’m to a point where I generally don’t cry much when I think of Ian anymore. I still do, on occasion, but the random gut punches have faded into almost non-existence. Which is why it’s so jarring when one comes out of left field. One day at work, I was having a conversation with the […]

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Gently

Another Throw Back Thursday post: Today, for the first time since I discovered Ian, I decided to have coffee. I haven’t until now because I haven’t been eating much, and wasn’t sure it was a good idea. I really didn’t miss it until today, when I realized I was dragging, and could use it. He […]

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Emotion Chips

You think you’re doing fine. As fine as can be expected, at least. You’re used to it. Used to their absence. It’s not easy, it’s not ok, but you’re used to it. Just moving forward… marching on. And then something happens. Who knows what it is? Something you would have asked their advice on, maybe. […]

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New Hobbies

One of the things I’ve seen suggested for people who are grieving the death of someone close to them is to take up a new hobby. One that their loved one wasn’t involved in, so it wouldn’t be something they associate with them. Since Ian’s death, I’ve stopped pretty much every hobby or pass-time I […]

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Good Night

Another throw-back Thursday post. I feel guilty having a good night. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.  It was good to have people at my house, doing things that have nothing to do with real life… Watching a show that takes me away. Talking to people who care and are understanding. I almost even […]

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First Letter

Another Throw Back Thursday post. This was the first letter I wrote to Ian. Ian, It’s been 24 days. 24 days since you checked out. Escaped. Bailed. Lost the fight. How I think about it changes with my mood. I still miss you constantly. This morning on my way to work, as I was driving […]

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