I’m to a point where I generally don’t cry much when I think of Ian anymore. I still do, on occasion, but the random gut punches have faded into almost non-existence. Which is why it’s so jarring when one comes out of left field. One day at work, I was having a conversation with the […]
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There are times when the permanence of Ian’s death hits me. I never forget, never don’t understand, never doubt… but I think my whole life, I’ve gone with the never say never motto. Everything changes. And then something will happen, or I’ll think something, or see something, and it hits me that this IS permanent. […]
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Another Throw Back Thursday post: Today, for the first time since I discovered Ian, I decided to have coffee. I haven’t until now because I haven’t been eating much, and wasn’t sure it was a good idea. I really didn’t miss it until today, when I realized I was dragging, and could use it. He […]
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Ian, I have managed to do housework this weekend. Something in my house still stinks, but I don’t know what it is or where it is. For all I know, it may well be all in my head. My vacuum started making a concerning clunking sound, so I didn’t finish the entirety of my bedroom. […]
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I haven’t talked much so far about the effect that finding Ian had on me… Mostly, because up until lately, I haven’t felt like it’s had much effect at all in terms of making my experience different than anyone else’s. In fact, up until lately, I’ve been a little glad that it was me, for […]
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Another Throw Back Thursday post: The cycles I’ve noticed are interesting. For the first month, it seemed to be sad day, sad day, sad day, mad day, roller coaster day, repeat. At about the month mark, it turned into sad day, roller coaster day, ok day, repeat. Which means that ok days are working their way in. His […]
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I’ve been sick for the last week and a half. This is highly unusual,because on the rare occasions I do get sick, I’m usually over it in a couple days. I don’t do sick well. Not that anyone really does, but because it’s so unusual, I tend to get more annoyed, whiny, and cranky than I […]
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Last night, there was a spectacular lightning and thunder storm. It made me think of this throw back Thursday post: There was a night in the spring or summer -I don’t know how far into our relationship – that Ian and I had spent some time in the evening together, then he went home. As […]
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I had a dream about Ian one night. I didn’t remember that until I was on my way home from work for lunch the next day, then my mind flashed back to an image. I didn’t remember any details, but that we hugged and he was there. That was a month ago. That next day, […]
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One of the things I’ve been hearing a lot is that I “need to remember the good times.” Rather than thinking about the idea that he’s gone, which utterly destroys me. Thing is, I DO remember the good times, and love the memories… but when I think about them, the idea that there never will […]
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