Let It Go

I’m trying something for the new year. I don’t exactly know if it’s a healthy progression or an unhealthy repression, but I’m trying it nonetheless. This is a year that will never see Ian. It’s a year that he’s fully gone from, and I have decided to attempt to make him a little less present […]

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Ten Months

It’s December 18th at 1:10 am. Ten months ago right now, I was asleep. I’d gone to bed a little early because I was feeling a little under the weather. I’d cancelled plans for the evening because of that. Before I decided to go to bed, I pondered texting Ian. Asking him if he wanted […]

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Sunday Letter #32

Ian, A year ago this afternoon, you and I weren’t talking. A year ago this evening, events conspired to throw us back together, and a year ago in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, I told you, sitting in the front seat of my car, that being with you was like coming home. And you […]

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Vacation

Another Throw Back Thursday Post: Being on vacation, outside of my life has been good for me. I still miss Ian every day, but the constant reminders aren’t here. I’m seeing people he didn’t know very well if at all. I’m going places we never went, or really even talked about. I miss my home, […]

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Letting Go

Today is nine months to the day since Ian died.¬†In the last few days, I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist. I know Ian’s dead, and I have no delusion/denial of that fact. But I still talk to him every day. Not in the hopes/with the idea that he hears […]

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Moody

Emotions are both predictable and confusing. I’ve been incredibly stressed the last couple weeks, due to events and work and various things. And last night, I stayed up until almost 3am working on my Halloween costume, so when my cat peed on my rug and I discovered it right before that 3am bed time, it’s […]

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Self-Evaluation

Another Throw Back Thursday post: It’s really hard to know what’s “healthy” when dealing with my own grief. I can’t tell if actions I take are holding me back from processing things or not. For example, yesterday, a group went to a Brewers (baseball) game. It was something we put together to honor his memory. […]

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His No More

Yesterday after work, I visited Ian’s house for the last time. I didn’t go in. Even if I’d been able to, I wouldn’t have. It doesn’t smell like him anymore. Doesn’t look like his place anymore. I did sit out front for a while, looking in the window, and remembering the myriad times I’d drive […]

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Sunday Letter #25

Ian, I have been busy this week. Stressfully so, but it’s also good. We had our annual chili cookoff at work. One of our co-workers and I talked about your entry last year. I remember you being so excited about it. I stand by it being a good idea, and he and I were talking […]

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Happy Memory – Teeth

I was thinking about some of the funny and insane¬†things that Ian and I would get ourselves into, and remembered this: One night, he and I were hanging out listening to music and being silly. He, always one to push boundaries a little, and egged on by a conversation we’d been having, tried to slap […]

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