Happy Birthday, Ian

Today, Ian would have been 37. If he were still here, I’d likely still be in bed at the moment. 50/50 odds on whether I’d be in mine or his. That would have depended on many factors. I would have taken the day off of work so that I could chauffeur him around, and we would […]

477 total views, no views today

Sunday Letter #8

Another Sunday letter: Ian, Today is Father’s Day. This holiday never had much to offer me, but I know you would have done something with your dad. I feel for him, though I haven’t talked to him much. I didn’t want to push myself into his life, because I may be an uncomfortable reminder or […]

606 total views, no views today

Sunday Letter #7

Another Sunday letter. Ian, I’m mad at you today. It seems like this week was harder than many, but looking back, I think that about almost every week, so maybe it’s just that it’s hard, and as they pass, I forget that. I keep going to things you would have enjoyed. Seeing things you would […]

588 total views, no views today

Basketball

I wrote this during the NCAA tournament. Watching the basketball game tonight, I thought back. Three years ago, I was amused by Ian’s fervor for the tournament. I have always hated basketball, but his enthusiasm was infectious. At that point, I was still not aware that I loved him. I knew I liked him a […]

802 total views, no views today

Unanswered Questions

Another throw back Thursday post. This one I still feel pretty strongly. Maybe always will. One of the worst things for me in this whole deal (aside from losing him. That’s by far worse than anything else) is the unanswered questions. What was he thinking? What made him get to this point NOW? Who had […]

674 total views, no views today

You Have No Right

Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]

603 total views, no views today

Unexpected Guilt

This is something I wrote very early on. Throw back Thursday. Well, guilt hit today from an unexpected quadrant. I was prepared for the “I should have noticed and been there to stop it.” That one I feel like I’ve got a decent handle on.  The one that popped up today, though. Ouch. I thought […]

746 total views, no views today

Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

1,512 total views, no views today

Regrets

I should have noticed. I should have called. I should have… Regret is a bitch.  And here’s the deal. We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. If I’d known then what I do now, I would have realized that him requesting the kitten for a night meant […]

997 total views, no views today