Social Changes

This is a throw-back Thursday post. Six months ago, I wrote this: This is likely a post that isn’t going to be posted for a long time, if ever. I’m feeling very abandoned lately. Not only by Ian, but by almost everyone. See…. Aside from him, I had a couple single, childless friends. Together, he […]

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New Year

It’s 2015. A new year. The crappy year that Ian died is gone. Good riddance. Except that now it’s a year he won’t ever see. And that sucks. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My New Year’s greeting for all my loved ones this year wasn’t “Happy New Year!” Because I didn’t feel particularly happy. […]

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Purpose

Another Throw Back Thursday post: All through my adulthood, I’ve never had a real clear dream or goal. I wanted to enjoy myself, survive, do good in general… Be happy. Since Ian’s suicide, I have been failing at half of those things. Maybe more. And tonight, I started wondering… What is my end goal? What […]

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Moody

Emotions are both predictable and confusing. I’ve been incredibly stressed the last couple weeks, due to events and work and various things. And last night, I stayed up until almost 3am working on my Halloween costume, so when my cat peed on my rug and I discovered it right before that 3am bed time, it’s […]

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Sad Day

Here’s another Throw Back Thursday post: The moods have moved from alternating every hour or two (or less) to being pretty much day long. Today was a sad day; a day where the hole in my heart was aching. I didn’t cry that much, a little here or there when it overtook me, but I […]

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Emotional Spoons

There is a really insightful way that I’ve heard my friends with chronic illnesses and/or disabilities describe what their limits feel like. The Spoon Theory is eloquent and wonderful. Luckily for me, I ┬ádon’t have physical illnesses, I don’t have a chronic condition that limits me physically. However, and this is not the same, but […]

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The Difficulty of Living

Another Throw Back Thursday post – Funny how this one still applies quite a bit. It’s interesting the things that grieving makes harder. You expect the big stuff, like concentrating at work, or being happy with friends, or doing taxes to be difficult. What I have been surprised by have been the small things. The […]

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Sunday Letter #20

Ian, Today, I’m grilling on your grill. Listened to the Brewers lose first. It feels like in a weird way, I’m trying to continue living the life you should be living. I can’t tell if that’s my motivation, or I really want to do these things for myself. Who knows? I’ll figure it out eventually. […]

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I Am Two People

Another throw back Thursday post: Today, at work, I noticed something. I seem to have two phases of dealing with Ian’s death. Almost two different personalities. At work, I have to accept it. I have to move on. I have to just keep going and make plans and do what needs to be done to […]

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Wish=/=Act

Something came up after my last Sunday letter. The song I posted is about the death of a loved one. In it, one of the lyrics is “I wish I were dead.” That wish is something I’ve heard from many people over the years, some more seriously than others. Most people I’ve talked to about […]

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