Friday I had a rough evening. I was homesick after two weeks away, and my brain wouldn’t let some things go. I went to sleep through tears, and begged Ian, “If you ARE still out there, and you did care at all, let me know.” I have a number of friends who claim sensitivity, and […]

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My ex, whom I dated for nearly ten years, got married today. I am so happy for him and his wife. I was happy when they started dating, and happy that they seem to be so good for each other. I wasn’t able to be a witness for them because I wasn’t in town, which […]

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I had lunch with a friend yesterday who knew Ian too. After we finished catching up on each others’ lives, conversation turned to Ian. It was really good to talk about him. To remember bits of him and his personality that I hold in my heart, but don’t get out and look at much anymore. […]

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I read an article yesterday that I sent off to my friend who’s an addiction counselor. I wanted her take on it. In the article, the author suggests (with some decent research to back up the claim, as far as I could tell – though I didn’t take the time to read it all) that […]

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Elusive Joy

Since Ian killed himself, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to find joy in things. Things I used to revel seem hollow, barren, or flat. Things I relished seem trite and silly. For a long time, I was pretty well convinced that his death had stolen any capacity I had for pleasure. Even the things I […]

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Last night, I had a dream that woke me up and made me think. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you about it. Unsolicited dream recounts are incredibly unpleasant. However, I will tell you what it made me think about. It made me realize that in a couple things, I’m being silly and stuck. […]

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Sunday Letter #33

Dear Ian, This may be the last letter I write to you. I still don’t know if they were good ideas to begin with, but now, I feel like they may be aiding me in avoiding letting go. I felt like I had a choice in that… I’m not sure why, because obviously none of […]

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New Year

It’s 2015. A new year. The crappy year that Ian died is gone. Good riddance. Except that now it’s a year he won’t ever see. And that sucks. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My New Year’s greeting for all my loved ones this year wasn’t “Happy New Year!” Because I didn’t feel particularly happy. […]

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Sunday Letter #32

Ian, A year ago this afternoon, you and I weren’t talking. A year ago this evening, events conspired to throw us back together, and a year ago in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, I told you, sitting in the front seat of my car, that being with you was like coming home. And you […]

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Another Throw Back Thursday post: All through my adulthood, I’ve never had a real clear dream or goal. I wanted to enjoy myself, survive, do good in general… Be happy. Since Ian’s suicide, I have been failing at half of those things. Maybe more. And tonight, I started wondering… What is my end goal? What […]

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