Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]
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Things are getting… normal? Something. For the past week or so, I’ve been mostly ok. Yes, sad. Yes, still nowhere near what I was before. But It seems like I might be finding the new normal. I still think about him often. Very often. But for the most part, at this point, it’s just a […]
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I have a lot of friends who are helping me out, and I love them for it. And I care about their lives and the things that are going on with them. And in that caring, I ask about what’s going on, how they’re doing, what they’re working on. It’s rare, but I have had […]
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I don’t want things to go back to normal. I know it’s inevitable. I know it’s healthy. But it feels disloyal. Like I’m negating who he was, how important he was to me…. rejecting it. Speaking with his mom a few days ago, she said that we’d been existing in a cocoon of mourning for […]
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This is something I wrote very early on. Throw back Thursday. Well, guilt hit today from an unexpected quadrant. I was prepared for the “I should have noticed and been there to stop it.” That one I feel like I’ve got a decent handle on. The one that popped up today, though. Ouch. I thought […]
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The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]
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Continuing the Sunday Letter trend: Ian, It’s after 2am Sunday morning, Mother’s Day. I can’t help but feel for your mom today. I wish I had a way I could help her. Instead, I’m lying awake in my own mom’s guest bed after a semi-harrowing drive down to her place. The drive let me have […]
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I have several friends who struggle with depression. Since Ian’s suicide, I’ve done some more research, trying to see how best to help the rest of them. In doing so, I’ve figured out some things I could have done better for him. It’s possible that those things wouldn’t have helped. But maybe, if I’d known […]
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So there’s a very strange phenomenon that I’ve noticed. I will start crying because of a particular memory or thought, in the most prominent instance so far was after the wedding we were supposed to officiate together. I held it together through the ceremony and the dinner, then left. In my car, letting the snow […]
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I should have noticed. I should have called. I should have… Regret is a bitch. And here’s the deal. We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. If I’d known then what I do now, I would have realized that him requesting the kitten for a night meant […]
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