Tired

Things are getting… normal? Something. For the past week or so, I’ve been mostly ok. Yes, sad. Yes, still nowhere near what I was before. But It seems like I might be finding the new normal. I still think about him often. Very often. But for the most part, at this point, it’s just a […]

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Dreams and Waking

Another throw-back Thursday post. I think I’m lucky that I haven’t had many dreams. Early on, this was one of them. In my dream, I was mad at him. We were in a kitchen, cooking, and he’d done something like ignore me or something, so I wasn’t talking to him. He was telling me about […]

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Back to Normal

I don’t want things to go back to normal. I know it’s inevitable. I know it’s healthy. But it feels disloyal. Like I’m negating who he was, how important he was to me…. rejecting it.  Speaking with his mom a few days ago, she said that we’d been existing in a cocoon of mourning for […]

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Why Am I Crying?

So there’s a very strange phenomenon that I’ve noticed. I will start crying because of a particular memory or thought, in the most prominent instance so far was after the wedding we were supposed to officiate together. I held it together through the ceremony and the dinner, then left. In my car, letting the snow […]

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On Faith, Belief, and Hope

I grew up in religion. Up until I was almost 21, I had a very clear and defined way I believed the universe worked. Even after I left the religion, I still believed in a different order of things. I can’t tell you when my faith turned into hope. When I definitively decided that there […]

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