Sunday Letter #6

Another installment of Sunday letters to Ian. Ian, It’s been over 100 days since you died. Right now, there’s a loud thunderstorm going on. It reminds me of the night you and I hung out on my driveway in the rain. You loved summer thunderstorms, and enjoyed them. Reminded me to take the time to […]

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You Have No Right

Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]

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Conversations I’m Not Ready to Have

I have a lot of friends who are helping me out, and I love them for it. And I care about their lives and the things that are going on with them. And in that caring, I ask about what’s going on, how they’re doing, what they’re working on. It’s rare, but I have had […]

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Unexpected Guilt

This is something I wrote very early on. Throw back Thursday. Well, guilt hit today from an unexpected quadrant. I was prepared for the “I should have noticed and been there to stop it.” That one I feel like I’ve got a decent handle on.  The one that popped up today, though. Ouch. I thought […]

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I should have noticed. I should have called. I should have… Regret is a bitch.  And here’s the deal. We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. If I’d known then what I do now, I would have realized that him requesting the kitten for a night meant […]

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Sunday Letter #2

As I noted last week, I’m going to write letters on Sundays in the absence of guest posts. Here’s today’s: Ian, This week has been easier. It makes me sad to say it, but I am getting used to this. I still hate it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s becoming normal. Thursday was the […]

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Sunday Letter #1

One of the support groups I’m in ( offers the suggestion to write a letter every Sunday to the person who died. They say it might be a good way to get some things out, and while I know he’ll never see it, it makes sense to me. I figured in the absence of guest […]

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Choices, Or Not

I’ve had several people tell me how strong I am. How brave. How amazing or incredible. I’ve tried to take the compliment and just move on, but to tell you the truth, it bugs me. Because really? What I’m doing? Getting through, talking to people, continuing to work and such… What other choice do I […]

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On Faith, Belief, and Hope

I grew up in religion. Up until I was almost 21, I had a very clear and defined way I believed the universe worked. Even after I left the religion, I still believed in a different order of things. I can’t tell you when my faith turned into hope. When I definitively decided that there […]

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