Self-Evaluation

Another Throw Back Thursday post: It’s really hard to know what’s “healthy” when dealing with my own grief. I can’t tell if actions I take are holding me back from processing things or not. For example, yesterday, a group went to a Brewers (baseball) game. It was something we put together to honor his memory. […]

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Sunday Letter #23

Ian, It’s been a really roller coaster week. But I guess a far more mild roller coaster than it has been. You’re still gone, and that sucks. But it’s fall, Halloween is coming, and the days are getting shorter. This is the time of year my mood generally starts naturally improving, so it makes sense […]

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Forsaken

There’s a band I discovered in college, and I’ve had their music cycling through pretty much every playlist I’ve made since then. Today, one of their songs came up. Listening to it, I identified with the lyrics, the mood. In my darkest, most hopeless hours, I definitely feel that way. Luckily, those hours are becoming […]

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Sleepless

I’ve been sick for the last week and a half. This is highly unusual,because on the rare occasions I do get sick, I’m usually over it in a couple days. I don’t do sick well. Not that anyone really does, but because it’s so unusual, I tend to get more¬†annoyed, whiny, and cranky than I […]

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First Letter

Another Throw Back Thursday post. This was the first letter I wrote to Ian. Ian, It’s been 24 days. 24 days since you checked out. Escaped. Bailed. Lost the fight. How I think about it changes with my mood. I still miss you constantly. This morning on my way to work, as I was driving […]

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The Day The World Ended

I’ve noticed in the various support forums I’ve seen around for friends/family of suicide victims that a large number of the people there speak of the day their loved one died as the day their world ended, or something of that sort. I don’t know if that’s something that’s unique to unexpected or traumatic death, […]

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Afterlife

I am pretty militantly agnostic. I don’t know whether there’s anything more to us than neurons firing in our brains… than chemical reactions and electrical stimuli.¬† As an 8th grader, I was adamant about hating gym. A couple friends and I would hang out in a back corner on the days we were in the […]

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Two Month Letter

I wrote this at the two month mark. It’s hard to believe that more time has passed since I wrote it than had between his death and the writing thereof. Ian, Two months ago right now, you were drinking your last drinks. Listening to whatever your last playlist was. Maybe watching your last movie. Tonight, […]

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What Can I Say?

What Can I Say? I’ve heard several times since Ian’s death that people don’t know what to say to me, which is completely understandable. There is no magic phrase that will make the loss less painful. There’s nothing that you CAN say that will suddenly make someone who’s suffering from grief all better. That being […]

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Sunday Letter #10

Every Sunday, I write a letter to Ian. I’ve found it’s cathartic to say what I feel like saying to him. As always, feel free to write a letter of your own. I screen comments, so if you don’t want me to publish it, I can certainly just hold onto it. Ian, This week has […]

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