Left Behind

I am honestly to a place where I feel like most of the days are okay. Some are even good. It feels like a betrayal to say that. Like I’m forgetting him. Or even that I’m leaving him behind. But then I wonder was it him that left us behind? Who knows? Maybe he hoped […]

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Sunday Letter #24

Ian, I’m lying awake, late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, when we would almost certainly be together. I just realized the date, and it was 8 months and a day ago RIGHT NOW that you were finishing things up. You were preparing. You were getting yourself ready to die. Man, do I wish I knew what […]

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Sunday Letter #21

Ian, I have managed to do housework this weekend. Something in my house still stinks, but I don’t know what it is or where it is. For all I know, it may well be all in my head. My vacuum started making a concerning clunking sound, so I didn’t finish the entirety of my bedroom. […]

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Anxiety

Something I noticed last year was that I would occasionally have days or short periods where I was unreasonably anxious. Nothing that really caught my attention until one day when I was driving down to visit my mom and found myself clutching my steering wheel really hard for no reason at all. The reason I […]

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Emotion Chips

You think you’re doing fine. As fine as can be expected, at least. You’re used to it. Used to their absence. It’s not easy, it’s not ok, but you’re used to it. Just moving forward… marching on. And then something happens. Who knows what it is? Something you would have asked their advice on, maybe. […]

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Never Say Never

Throw back Thursday: Maybe it’s stupid, but I was looking back through all of our text history. We were prolific. He told me I’d never get rid of him. Said I was stuck with him forever. I told him that never was a very big promise to make, and that I knew sometimes things changed… […]

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Survival Instinct

The instinct to survive is supposedly intrinsic. And yet, all the time, people go against it. Some say that this is because Depression is a disease that alters your mental state, that makes those neurons fire incorrectly, so that the survival instinct is eclipsed by the depression itself, and suicide is the only viable option […]

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First Letter

Another Throw Back Thursday post. This was the first letter I wrote to Ian. Ian, It’s been 24 days. 24 days since you checked out. Escaped. Bailed. Lost the fight. How I think about it changes with my mood. I still miss you constantly. This morning on my way to work, as I was driving […]

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Three Weeks

Another throw back Thursday post. – These posts are things that I wrote at that time, so the sentiments may or may not still be applicable as time moves on. Three weeks out and his house still smells like him. I wandered around, smelling the air and crying and talking to him. I went from […]

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What Can I Say?

What Can I Say? I’ve heard several times since Ian’s death that people don’t know what to say to me, which is completely understandable. There is no magic phrase that will make the loss less painful. There’s nothing that you CAN say that will suddenly make someone who’s suffering from grief all better. That being […]

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