The Day The World Ended

I’ve noticed in the various support forums I’ve seen around for friends/family of suicide victims that a large number of the people there speak of the day their loved one died as the day their world ended, or something of that sort. I don’t know if that’s something that’s unique to unexpected or traumatic death, […]

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Afterlife

I am pretty militantly agnostic. I don’t know whether there’s anything more to us than neurons firing in our brains… than chemical reactions and electrical stimuli.¬† As an 8th grader, I was adamant about hating gym. A couple friends and I would hang out in a back corner on the days we were in the […]

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Two Month Letter

I wrote this at the two month mark. It’s hard to believe that more time has passed since I wrote it than had between his death and the writing thereof. Ian, Two months ago right now, you were drinking your last drinks. Listening to whatever your last playlist was. Maybe watching your last movie. Tonight, […]

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What Can I Say?

What Can I Say? I’ve heard several times since Ian’s death that people don’t know what to say to me, which is completely understandable. There is no magic phrase that will make the loss less painful. There’s nothing that you CAN say that will suddenly make someone who’s suffering from grief all better. That being […]

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Sunday Letter #10

Every Sunday, I write a letter to Ian. I’ve found it’s cathartic to say what I feel like saying to him. As always, feel free to write a letter of your own. I screen comments, so if you don’t want me to publish it, I can certainly just hold onto it. Ian, This week has […]

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Sunday Letter #9

Another Sunday letter. I’m finding these rather helpful… It seems there’s something cathartic about speaking as if he’s still here to hear me. I wonder if that will cease at some point. Ian, I’m spending time with your family today. We have gathered for a memorial event. As I was drinking my coffee this morning, […]

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Happy Birthday, Ian

Today, Ian would have been 37. If he were still here, I’d likely still be in bed at the moment. 50/50 odds on whether I’d be in mine or his. That¬†would have depended on many factors. I would have taken the day off of work so that I could chauffeur him around, and we would […]

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Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

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Sunday Letter #2

As I noted last week, I’m going to write letters on Sundays in the absence of guest posts. Here’s today’s: Ian, This week has been easier. It makes me sad to say it, but I am getting used to this. I still hate it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s becoming normal. Thursday was the […]

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Message in a Whisper

I found some measure of peace. I was able to lay to rest some of the questions. And I feel much better. But I’m lying here tonight, after having assured his mother that he knew she loved him, (he did… She needed to hear it, but I was speaking true) feeling better, but also, knowing […]

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