This morning, I went shopping for glasses. For the first time in at least 15 years, I am going to have some glasses for work. As I was thinking about this last night, I was pondering how someone’s glasses seem to hold a lot of their essence. I’m not sure why, but I feel that […]

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It’s interesting to me how things kind of go in circles still. I can go a good amount of time now, between bouts of regret, but every once in a while, there I am, back in the “bargaining” area, or at least what passes for it in my head. My bargaining was never trying to […]

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Friday I had a rough evening. I was homesick after two weeks away, and my brain wouldn’t let some things go. I went to sleep through tears, and begged Ian, “If you ARE still out there, and you did care at all, let me know.” I have a number of friends who claim sensitivity, and […]

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Random Memories

I still think of Ian every day. Whether it’s wishing he were here to talk to or remembering something or thinking of how he’d feel about something, it’s still every day. This past week, I was staying at my mom’s place, house sitting for her. I thought the change from routine, getting to a place […]

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The other day, I was singing a song at karaoke that had the word suicide in it pretty prominently. I was there with a friend of mine and Ian’s, and he said he was surprised I’d sing that song. It made me ponder, because the song really didn’t bug me at all. Maybe I’m weird, […]

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It Comes In Waves

Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night. Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of […]

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Last night, I had a dream that woke me up and made me think. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you about it. Unsolicited dream recounts are incredibly unpleasant. However, I will tell you what it made me think about. It made me realize that in a couple things, I’m being silly and stuck. […]

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Sunday Letter #33

Dear Ian, This may be the last letter I write to you. I still don’t know if they were good ideas to begin with, but now, I feel like they may be aiding me in avoiding letting go. I felt like I had a choice in that… I’m not sure why, because obviously none of […]

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Let It Go

I’m trying something for the new year. I don’t exactly know if it’s a healthy progression or an unhealthy repression, but I’m trying it nonetheless. This is a year that will never see Ian. It’s a year that he’s fully gone from, and I have decided to attempt to make him a little less present […]

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There is an endless stream of things that need to be done. Some only kind of need to be done. Others, there’s not a choice. I have been blaming my inability to do most of the ones that only kind of needed to be done on depression, on grief. But recently, a friend of mine […]

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