Sunday Letter #23

Ian,

It’s been a really roller coaster week. But I guess a far more mild roller coaster than it has been.

You’re still gone, and that sucks. But it’s fall, Halloween is coming, and the days are getting shorter. This is the time of year my mood generally starts naturally improving, so it makes sense to me that I’m not as generally down as I have been.

I AM still down though, and I still hate the world without you.

I’m making plans now, though. Longer term ones. I’m getting to a point where I can handle it. I can’t necessarily handle doing my dishes always, or cleaning certain things in my house, but I can make some plans.

I’ve started working on my Halloween costume, which I think you would have liked.

I was thinking today about the meditative vision our friend had about you… How he said you told him you were finally fine.

I want to believe that. I want to believe it so badly. I want you to be ok. I want you to be at peace. I want you to still be somewhere. Somewhere I can see you again eventually.

I just wish I could know. That something would confirm it for me. I can’t think of anything that would do that, though.

So I just hope.

And I miss you.

But I’m moving forward too. I’m still alive. Can’t stop living. Despite sometimes wishing lightning would strike me and make it unnecessary. The likelihood of that is pretty low, however, so I just keep going…

But now I have things I’m actually looking forward to, so there’s that.

I hope you’re happy now. I really do.

Because I love you.

-Iris

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