Another Throw Back Thursday post:

It’s really hard to know what’s “healthy” when dealing with my own grief. I can’t tell if actions I take are holding me back from processing things or not.

For example, yesterday, a group went to a Brewers (baseball) game. It was something we put together to honor his memory. Tailgating, beer, baseball, music… It was fun. I truly enjoyed it. It stirred up a lot of emotion, though, and when we got back to town at 1am, I ended up driving home the way that took me past his place. I was already crying, and decided to stop by. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I did it. And spent half the night there crying. I went from his bed to the couch, talking to him on and off the whole time.

And I was hoping, I think, for some sort of feeling that he or his energy or whatever was there, hearing me… There was nothing. So I eventually went home.

Couldn’t make myself get out of bed this morning, I was still so emotionally wrecked. Also headachey from the crying.

Was that unwise? I don’t know. Seems like it was. I don’t know that it helped me at all. It made me realize I want his couch. It made me feel like talking to him was only something I should do if I were going to benefit… Not to actually think he could hear/understand/whatever. It made me take a half day at work. I don’t know.

Another thing I’m unsure of is the pillow thing. I took a number of pillows from his bed really early on. Put them in an airtight bag and have occasionally been pulling a new one out when the one I was sleeping with/on stopped smelling like his bed. Scent memory is really strong. Is my keeping this scent around holding me back from moving forward? Or is it just a way that I’m coping, and I’ll let it go when it’s right, or I run out of it? I don’t know.

Nothing changes that I hurt. Nothing changes that I miss him constantly, think about him almost every minute. Is my house, that seems to be a kind of Ian Museum, holding me back? Propping me up? Just there being neutral while my head and heart do their things? I don’t know how you know that.

Written 4/24/2014

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