Sad Day

Here’s another Throw Back Thursday post:

The moods have moved from alternating every hour or two (or less) to being pretty much day long. Today was a sad day; a day where the hole in my heart was aching. I didn’t cry that much, a little here or there when it overtook me, but I ached for him.

I’ve started seeing a therapist, because it would be absolute idiocy not to, but honestly, I think there’s not much he can do for me in terms of helping with the grieving process. I think writing and talking to friends/family is helping me there. What he and I are going to work on are the other things that have been thrown out/stirred up/broken down by this life-changing event. I don’t think any of them are new, but I do think that I’m so undone by Ian’s suicide that it’s probably the best time to start facing them. Honestly, it can’t do much harm, since I’m already broken down.

I went to the dentist this morning for a semi-annual teeth cleaning. (Ian refused to go to the dentist.) The dental assistant asked me how often I brushed my teeth, and whether I flossed. Since his death, morning brushing has really been all I could manage. I told her that, without the reason. She chided me (gently, but still) and I really REALLY wanted to tell her, “You know, when the person you love dies by suicide and you find him, all the rest of that stuff kind of just stops mattering for a while. Let me be. I’ll start again when I can manage it.” But I didn’t. I did tell her that there were personal things, and she let it go (eventually.)

It makes me wonder… How many people do I deal with on a regular basis who are swallowing something like that? It’s hard to always remember that the idiot on the other end of the phone, or the email chain may well be dealing with who knows what, and I should cut them some slack, but I need to work on that. Because heaven knows that I’m nowhere near the top of my game currently.

I’m sure I was rude to that dental assistant. I’ve probably been pretty rude to a number of people since this whole thing, just because I can’t bring myself to smile at them, or put forth the effort to be pleasant. I know I’ve been forgetting things more than normal, and I know I’ve acted stupid.

Today, I couldn’t smile to save my life. My heart just hurt too much. Days like this, I’m kind of shocked at how I’m able to keep going… It hurts so much that I’m amazed I just don’t fall over and stop. I miss him.

There I go again, the broken record. Every time I say/think/write it, it feels different. New. Fresh. I say it out loud, addressing him, though I know he can’t hear me. “I miss you, doofus.”

So it was an achy, sad day. Tomorrow, maybe it will hurt less. I hope so.

Written 3/28/2014

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