I wasn’t able to write yesterday for a couple different reasons. An acquaintance of mine was raped on Friday night, and I was spending some time with her, as well as processing some stuff. I’ve been fighting with myself about writing this post, because I feel like I’m taking this terrible experience she had, and making it about me. But I’ve decided that since this is a blog about how I’m experiencing the grief of a suicide, and this event brought to the foreground a big issue I’ve been ignoring, I need to do it.
Ian was my Person. He was the one I went to when things were bad. The one I could just spend time with and feel like there was something worthwhile in the world. Something good. I could go to him and talk about all the shit that goes on, the news, the personal stuff, the political stuff. We could talk about it, then we’d start playing Rock Band, and everything would seem a little better.
Since his death, I have almost stopped paying any attention to the news in the world. To politics. To everything… And I thought it was because I just couldn’t handle it on top of his death. That I was so focused on dealing with that, that I just couldn’t handle the other stuff. After yesterday, when I came face to face with yet another example of the horror in the world, I realized that that was only part of the story.
Yes, I couldn’t face it because it was too overwhelming, and yes, in addition to the fact of his death it was even more so. But the REAL reason I can’t do it is that without him, I don’t have an avenue to that reassurance that there’s something worthwhile. My life vest is gone, and without it, the sea of awfulness that is the world is trying to (and doing a pretty good job) of drowning all my hope for things getting better.
And maybe it’s not that that’s what he did for me. Maybe it’s more that his suicide broke the optimism that I always had before. Either way, I’m having a really hard time, and the only way I’m staying afloat is to ignore the world at large. I feel terrible about it. It’s irresponsible, in my opinion, to not pay attention to what’s going on. But I just can’t. It’s too much.
So yesterday, I was really struggling. I was faced with an example I can’t ignore of the evil of the world. I ended up pinging some close friends, and spending the evening with them, which did help me forget. But I’m still having trouble, and I’m not sure how to help myself. Right now, I have a purring cat in my lap, and she’s an immediately present comfort. She’s not the only one, but she’s the one that’s right here. But I can’t say I have much hope for things getting better. I’m just white knuckling it now.
So, yes. It’s been an intense weekend. I’m looking forward to going back to putting on my blinders and just ignoring the horrible things that happen all the time.
And? For the love of whatever you hold dear, if you’re in a sexual situation where someone is less than enthusiastic about continuing whatever you’re doing, STOP. And if they’ve said no, and you’re keeping going, STOP and take a really good look at yourself, because you’re being a horrible person. Figure out why, and fix it.
Written 3/22/15
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