No Improvement

I have grown more quiet about my grief. In part because I’m saving things to post here. In bigger part because I’m starting to get tired of hearing my own sadness all the time.

If I’m sick of it, how can anyone else not be?

So I get more quiet, and try to only post things in other forums that are important or uplifting. I’m not hiding how I am, and if anyone asks (and seems to actually want to know,) I’ll tell them. But I’m not broadcasting as much.

Maybe that’s bad. Maybe I should keep putting it out there. I don’t know. I know I’m originally posting this where a grand total of maybe six people can see it…so while I’m putting things out there, I’m not putting them out very far while they’re still raw.

But tonight, after trivia, (where I felt like a drag on everyone’s mood) and a car ride home, and talking to my mom for almost an hour, I discovered I’d forgotten to let my bug guy into my house to treat for spiders, got really mad, hung up with mom because I was going to start snapping at her for no reason that had anything to do with her, and then cried for half an hour. Not quiet sniffling in a corner crying, rather, great gasping breathtaking sobs crying. Wailing and curling up in a ball and rolling around and choking on snot running down the back of your throat crying.

And then I went in and threw up for about 15 minutes. It stopped me crying, at least…

Then I took a shower, and now I’m trying not to get mad at my cat who just wants attention from me, but is getting in the way of my typing this…

I’m not doing better. I don’t feel like I’m improving at all… I’m so tired… And I feel like I have no choice but to be strong and soldier through… What else can I do? But I hurt to the very core of my being, and I’m so sad I can’t imagine being not sad ever again, and I’m so sick of being sad… I feel like all I do is make everyone around me sad, and I feel so terrible for it.

And I don’t know how to end this. Usually, a final parting thought will come to me and I’ll finish up strong and impactful, and tonight? Right now? All I can think is, “I miss him.” There’s nothing else in my world right now… Nothing else in my brain. Nothing else in my heart. I just miss him. All I am is a great black hole of sadness and longing and pain.

Written 4/2/14

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