I may have hit the denial stage in earnest. Or bargaining? Maybe both?
I’ve started dreaming of him. In the dreams, he and I are in normal situations, doing normal things. We are talking, or singing, or just hanging out. It’s fun and good, and I’m home again.
And I wake up, and know he’s not here, and I can’t…. I just don’t want to accept it. I want to scream and yell and make it not true. I want him to be here. I want him to be present. I want him back.
I know that I’m not the only person who feels that way, who’d give anything they could to have him back in the world. In our lives. I know that none of us can.
But I still want to. I want to believe that if I close my eyes and hope and hope and really hope and exert every piece of will I have, I will make it not true.
I want it to be not true. That’s painfully obvious. It feels stupid to keep saying it. But it’s really the only thing I can think a lot of the time. I just can’t accept that there’s no way for me to make it not true. I mean… I know there’s not. Intellectually, I know it. but my heart doesn’t want to believe it. My heart keeps plugging its ears and yelling “lalalalalalala” when my head tries to make it understand.
I miss him. And this sucks. And there’s nothing I can do to make it better. For me or anyone else.
I was at his house today helping with more cleaning and wrapping things up for Goodwill and such, and his house has started to not smell like him anymore. It’s sad. Inevitable.
I want him to still be in the world.
Broken record much?
Broken record. Broken heart.
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