This is another throwback Thursday post.

I went to the Hookah tonight. First time I’ve been back since his death. Walking in hurt. I thought about all the times we’d driven there together… All the fun… I got inside the second door, and saw the place where on New Year’s Eve, when we were on dates with other people, we snuck out to steal some kisses before going back to our respective dates.

It was so hard. Our mutual friend was there, and he was helpful… Tried to distract me when it got hard… Talked to me about Ian when I couldn’t not talk about it. Introduced me to more people. Made me sing.

I sang My Immortal by Evanescence as my last song. It fits very much.

I cried several times. And sobbed on the way home. I want nothing more than to be at his house, singing with him, laughing. Cuddling. Listening to him talk and sing low from where my ear is on his chest… I still have a hard time processing that all of that stuff is gone for good. And when it DOES all fit, for however many seconds it does, it’s torturous.

I still miss him. I still hate this. I still have no other choice than to keep living and doing what I do. I am so glad for his family. They’re keeping me grounded.

Written 4/20/2014

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