I was talking to a friend about things neither of us would ever say to anyone else. Things that would cause unwanted reactions in every other case.

We decided that for that particular type of thing, we were the perfect distance from each other, both emotionally and physically. It made me coin the term Goldilocks Friend. For that particular brand of confession/conversation, we are both neither too close, nor to far away. Neither too invested, nor not invested enough in each other. We neither care too much, nor not enough.

I’ve been pondering that idea, and have come to the conclusion that that’s true of almost every situation, every person. For whatever I’m going through, whatever situation is happening, there will be a perfect distance from me that a person needs to be in order for me to be comfortable talking to them about it. If there’s someone at that distance, then it’s wonderful. I can talk to them. I can be there for them… but if someone’s not in that comfort zone, then it’s difficult.

If you talk to someone about something and they’re too close, too invested, care too much, then they REACT… either with worry or excitement or anything else… in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

If you talk to someone about something and they’re too far away, don’t care enough, and aren’t invested, then they don’t react. Or their reaction is blase, and it hurts your feelings that they don’t care.

I’m realizing now that it’s really rare that one person can be that Goldilocks friend for every situation. Because every situation requires a different distance. Some friends are good at changing their distance as each situation requires, but it’s a skill that not everyone has, and I don’t think ANYONE works on developing. It’s not something we even think about.

Ian was good at that. He was also really bad at it, depending on the day. With me, he cared, but didn’t necessarily WANT to care. So we went back and forth. The days when he over-compensated and didn’t act like he cared when he should have are one thing I’m getting to a point of not missing. Sometimes. I’d still rather deal with that for the rest of my life than not have him here. But some days for a few minutes, I’m ok with that aspect being gone. I’m ok without the drama and heartache.

But then those minutes are over, and I just want him back, with anything and everything that entails.

I think that’s progress toward moving forward…

Written 8/7/2014

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