Being Ok

I was discussing personality traits with a friend this evening. We were talking specifically about how people handle mornings. In my longest relationship, my boyfriend was very much NOT a morning person. Because of this, I had the idea that I was pretty far on the other end of the spectrum. Then I went on a road trip with my mom, and discovered that I wasn’t as far into the morning person camp as I thought.

My friend talked about how she was very excitable. She said that she gets excited about things she shouldn’t. I feel like I’m not excitable enough. I said I don’t get excited about things I should. We talked about how it made us feel like we were always doing the wrong thing. Getting embarrassed because we didn’t follow through, or do what we thought people expected.

On my way home, I was thinking about how everyone I know goes through the same thing. I know that Ian did. It made me wonder what the difference is between people. Why is it that my friend is excitable, I’m boring, Ian was depressed? Is it purely chemical? Is it learned?

Did something in my upbringing; with a devoted, strong, loving mother; in a society that outcast us somewhat because of her marital status and our economic state; in a church that teaches girls that their most important attributes are their kindness and agreeability cause me to be more sedate than my excitable friend and less hopeless than Ian?

Lately, I’ve been ok. Like, really ok. I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. On the one hand, of course it’s good. Being ok, living a real life, being able to be happy… all wonderful things. On the other hand, how can I be enjoying music, really? How can I bounce around, singing and feeling fine? Nothing’s right, because he’s gone, so how can I be having fun?

Is it denial? Is it just my nature? Just because I’m resilient? Will it last, or is it just a temporary upswing?

I really don’t know. But yesterday on my way home from work, I was blasting music, bouncing and singing along. I haven’t done that since before Ian died.

Written 11/8/2014