I am pretty militantly agnostic. I don’t know whether there’s anything more to us than neurons firing in our brains… than chemical reactions and electrical stimuli. 

As an 8th grader, I was adamant about hating gym. A couple friends and I would hang out in a back corner on the days we were in the weight room/workout area, making each other faint by taking lots of deep breaths while squatting down, then standing up with our arms crossed, and having someone behind us hold our arms to our chest until we went limp. It was fun, and during the maybe 10 seconds I was out each time, I lived a lifetime in my brain. It was fascinating.

Looking back at that, I can absolutely believe that any near death, follow the light, experiences people have had are just the product of the processes that occur in one’s brain at that point.

The mind is a very powerful thing, so I don’t have a hard time believing that any spiritual experiences, visions, etc., are the product of that. It’s absolutely possible.

Then again, there’s nothing proving to me that such things aren’t real. That there IS more to us than chemicals and electricity. It’s not hard to believe that our personalities, our essence is something MORE. I don’t have a hard time believing that there is something beyond what we can experience here. It’s absolutely possible.

In light of this solid neutrality, there are times when I vary wildly from one belief to the other, from thinking there’s more, and believing it for a bit, to thinking this is it and believing it for a while.

After my friend, the pastor, told me about his experience with Ian coming to him, it felt so right, that I believed it. I wanted to believe it. It was such a good outcome… so perfect and happy and wonderful.

But then later, I was thinking about it, and my opinion changed again…. I was thinking about how idyllic and perfect that was, and really? In light of what’s here… In light of how things are for us, is it really that likely that afterward, we’ll all end up in this happy, wonderful, loving place? Really? It seems to me (currently) that if there IS something after, it will be just as messed up, just as hard, and just as painful… It really feels, today, like the best outcome would be for this to be it, for it to end with no follow-up, no more hurt or sadness. Tomorrow, my opinion may change again. It probably will.

So yeah. I’m hardcore right in the middle on this issue, and there’s pretty much nothing that will sway me toward or away from either side, because no matter what happens, anything can be explained by both options.

I guess I’ll find out when I find out. Hopefully not for many years.

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